It’s All About The Hair (Or Not)

It would appear that just about half of Australia’s professional cricketers are sponsored by various companies promoting hair loss solutions. In order to balance the universe’s yin and yang, the other half, naturally, are sponsored by various hair product companies, particularly those that manufacture the kind of industrial strength bleaching creams (which the boys evidently share with their wives) that could strip paint from an oil tanker, barnacles and all. Is it just me, or would it be appropriate at this juncture to offer some salient advice – stop bleaching the crap out of your hair you morons, and then you’ll stand a better chance that it won’t all fall out by the time you’re 30 (genetic predispositions aside).

Exhibit A would be Michael Clarke, bless his little cotton socks. Before Lara took to him with the number 1 blade, I suspect that young Michael may have been sponsored by not only every hair product company on the planet, but possibly also more than one canine obedience franchise – if he teased those poor tortured follicles once more they were seriously going to bite back, and hard (my bet is that they may have bitten Lara by mistake, which is why she got the clippers out).

Apart from his hair’s own personal publicity team, let’s not forget the huge backing Clarkie’s going to get from De Beers once they review their advertising budget for the year. I’m surprised Clarkie’s earlobes aren’t swinging somewhere near his thighs. I’ve not seen diamonds like that since Liz Taylor was last married to Richard Burton and am waiting for Pup to get into Pink’s groove and start putting them in his teeth. If he’s up for it, a timely call to South Africa will see him set for life in that regard. Unfortunately for De Beers, it would seem that none of the South African players is as addicted to bling as much as our Pup, although I’ll place a small wager that he and Kevin Pietersen (despite that he fled his homeland and is playing for England) have at least had a few words about hairstyles during the course of the last couple of Ashes tours. And what exactly was Kevin thinking? He looked like he was wearing an albino roadkill on his head.

On the ‘closer to home’ front, Shane Watson’s unending obsession with his tousled blond locks is also very amusing. Yeah – good luck with that and enjoy it while it lasts, Shane. Keep it up for too much longer and you’ll be needing to ring the other Shane for urgent advice on how to get back what you’ve suddenly lost all over your pillow (I suggest you don’t text him, it could get ugly).

Evidently I’m not alone in noticing these predictable scenes unfolding. The back page of the Courier Mail a couple of days ago had a photo of Warnie in the nets with Daniel Doran. Directly underneath the accompanying story was an advertisement for a hair regrowth provider, featuring, yep you guessed it – a half bald bloke with a blonde hanging off him – pick a cricketer, any cricketer. Oh, sweet irony.

In defence of the cricketers though, apparently they’re not the only ones obsessed by their hair. If ever he wants to change sports from being a Pie to being a Bull, Dale Thomas certainly will have plenty of mates to keep him company at the hairdresser on a Saturday morning. That’s an impressive mop for sure. If he stops bleaching it, he might even get to keep it for a couple of seasons more.

And just for the record, as far as hair goes, I like it dark. I’d take a bald guy over a blond guy any day of the week.